I happened upon this word by chance, and I’ve been thinking about it since. I don’t know exactly how I would describe my relationship with the Gods and what They seem to want from me, but it has something to do with ideas, with thinking about Them and what They mean, and translating that somehow into the world around me. The things I feel called to do are connected with ideas, and with spreading these ideas. Understanding them, and helping others understand them, as well.

I’ve never been satisfied with just reading something in a book and doing it that exact way for all of time. I’m always reading, trying to learn. Maybe I’m reading a book steeped in bullshit, but I’ve reached a point where I can tell that right off. But a lot of times the books I read are valuable in their own right. I can almost always find something useful to my own practice in a book (yes, even a Llewellyn one). I can’t always knit these things together into something cohesive, but I at least have something to fall back on. (It’s the analogy of having access to many tools, and having some idea of how to use them all.)

So I read. I’ve also been doing my best to learn from the source. I have been praying and writing and trying to connect. Which is some days easy and some days hard. Routines are fragile, especially for me, but I have adapted. I am finding a way.

And, as always, I’m thinking. This brings me back to the word ‘theology,’ which is defined as “the study of the nature of God and religious belief”. For my purposes, it is the study of THE GODS, rather than just God, but the idea still applies. I think a lot about my gods. I thought a lot about Andred, I tried researching her. I’ve thought a lot about Ra and the other Egyptian gods. I think about magic and practice and what it means to be “devoted”. I have ideas of how I think “devotion” looks, and I try to apply them in my own life, little as they may be. I’m always searching.

And I think that may be part of the nature of theology: the search.