The Elf on the Shelf bills itself as a Christmas tradition, and in some households it is, in fact, customary to pose the elf in funky ways throughout the night (it is important that he not be disturbed while moving about). However, the basic concept is this: Elf on the Shelf spies on all the children in the household and reports back to Santa Claus throughout December on the kids’ behavior.

Generally I’m not a big fan of the naughty or nice element to Santa Claus, in part because it’s a potential vehicle for child abuse and in part because it cheapens Santa’s generosity (and to say nothing of the classist Prosperity Gospel implications that wealthy kids got more for Christmas because they were “better behaved” and we all know that’s a crock of shit). If I could kill that element single-handedly, I would, but it’s baked into the loaf (er… fruit cake) at this point. Santa gets his morality kick from St. Nicolas, who throughout Europe rewards good children who mind their Bible lessons, while some demon or other in his service punishes the bad ones (who are lazy, don’t give a damn about Bible study, and are otherwise ill-behaved). In a lot of cases there’s a good point to be made here about teaching kids to function in society and how to not get killed in the winter months (some winter spirits will roam the wilderness and snatch up anyone who wanders in unawares, for example).

But the Elf on the Shelf is just plain weird.

I sometimes call it “baby’s first surveillance state”. There isn’t much else there. Behave or else, and the State Santa Claus will know about it no matter what you do.

I mean, you could argue that in a twisted way, it is preparing children for life in the modern United States. But, is a surveillance state really the way we want to live? (And it’s not always the government doing the surveillance. Often it’s corporations or Twitter mobs looking for fresh meat.)